An Odious Debt

It was one of those sully days in the summer when it happened. It had been rainy all morning and the sun was yet to shoot itself out of the clouds. Outside, it was hectic. The grass had been mowed to perfection and some trees had started to fruit. Some birds, chirping into the noontide, remained perched atop of a rowan tree in its effervescent grace.

He waited with baited breath. In the minute that followed, he was beginning to grow tired of his heart pounding soundly. He felt as though something ominous was about to unfold.

''Yes, I did it. Once''

All this time, he had remained seated and pregnant with anticipation. Now, he couldn't. A certain feeling of consternation creeped in and he just stared at the message in disbelief. He knew it was always coming to that, and he somehow convinced himself that it wasn't happening.

He had always stood on business. He had been confident his past misgivings had been forgiven. His marriage had been one big leap of faith. Not once had he salvaged things from the brink of total collapse. 

He had let his intrusive thoughts win and he knew he'd rue the day. He sank into a swing chair, helpless and defeated. He felt betrayed and he wanted to imagine that it might be a dream. At his own accord, he had cossetted the lady until she folded. 

She had remained decent throughout the years and had managed to convince him that she was almost infallible. She had a penchant for speaking against his past inequities which had threatened to tear things apart.

Somehow, he knew. He knew of her proclivity to lie and stick to her guns. And she knew how to cover her tracks pretty succinctly. 

He was boiling with rage. He couldn't even master any bit of coherence.

''You lied.''

I was hurt irreparably when it happened - she explained. She intimated that it came because of years of hurt that he had subjected her to. 

Lately, he had grown intuitive. He could feel something was not right and he was not afraid to speak about it. Many an evening, he would remind her to remain chaste, and she would go on pontificating how she was holding the fort. And somehow, that calmed his nerves.

An old adage avers -love and chance happens to everyone. He had fallen out of love, and he had himself to blame. He had stuck to an obsession that augmented his life. He obsessed about her presence in his life, and was not willing to let go. He had remained implacable by the vagaries of life. It felt as though his ego had been hurt and he couldn't fathom the extent with which he had been served the bitter pill. 

He knew he'd been cut some piece of inadequacy and he couldn't help reminisce of the good old times when he was in the dark. He texted one of his lads, but he wouldn’t divulge. He knew it was an odious debt he had to repay.

He wanted to cut her some slack and soak in all the blame, and petulance. Men are cut from a different cloth- he thought - yet his heart needed some convincing. That they’d be better days. That he’d banish the ghosts of the past at some point. He had been quite philosophical about things all his life, and time he believed, would heal his wounds.

Every dog has its day, and that day wasn't his. He felt cheated by the unspent days of his youth. He felt betrayed by his own irrepressible trust in people. She had put a mask for a long time as there were signs that he chose to ignore. He rued the days she got wheeled around by a pluto in his wasili cab. A car, he imagined, did all the convincing. Or maybe he harbored a huge palo. As he toiled in the city, a lot was going on in the countryside. Some cab trips, some exchange and trade. He thought about the chips and fruit vendor, and felt sorry for her.  She  was in the same boat he was, only she wasn't aware yet.

The conversation that followed was a perfect circus. Everything was about her, and she couldn't help gaslight all day. He was responsible for everything that happened. Her lies were built on proverbial sand, and sooner or later they would tumble, and she'd have nowhere to hide. She was repentant, but she wasn't ready to write down all her mistakes. Rather, she got emotional over it and did all the pesky immaterial things to buy her bidding or maybe hoodwink him into submission.

As the sun pierced through the clouds, he battled his inner doubts. He knew -in the end-  he only had himself.